Rage, acceptance and forgiveness? Changes...

I open my eyes this morning still working through these past four days and the events which transpired. I was excited to move on to the weekend or as excited as I could possibly be. I won't lie, I was content with leaving my work week behind and choosing to not look back. It seems I am "walking" through my day as though I was a zombie lacking all emotion. A friend says to me, "you seem removed". Removed… This is exactly how I feel. REMOVED from any and ALL emotion. I don't search for pity. Who wants people to feel sorry for them? I certainly don't! Quite frankly, I would much rather tell the next individual to "F" off should they ask me one more time… "how are you?" or "are you okay?". Do you REALLY want to know how I am or have we succumbed to the societal robotic cliché  questions and statements we are all "supposed" to say and ask?

How am I? I am pissed off! I am now becoming a cynic! I am soon to become void of all emotion. What do these emotions do? For me? Said emotions only venture in my path with which I stroll, or try to stroll, and trip me up making it an impossibility to maintain direction. What is life without direction? You tell me! Life needs direction.

Back to my being pissed off. I stated in an earlier post I planned to take you on a journey. I am struggling with how and where to start. Should I start where I sit today and work back? Should I start from the beginning and search for today? There are a lot of "incidents" which are sensitive and it is imperative I respect an individuals privacy. I will address this should the time come.

My rant for the day has to do with me making changes in my life so here it goes!

I am often told I have a huge heart and do so much for others. I am often told I am too hard on myself. More often than not, I am told… you need to put yourself first sometimes! This weekend opened my eyes to so many opportunities it's unreal. I love my family and friends with all of my heart. I refuse to continue to allow individuals to push me around, walk on me and use me as a dartboard for their own personal demons. We ALL have demons. If you try and tell me you don't, you are only hurting yourself. I refuse to accept any blame for her feelings. When someone casts blame on another for them reaching a point so low in their life, it becomes my responsibility to not accept that blame. I refuse to accept any blame for her feelings. Done! NO MORE! I am who I am because it's who I want to be. I won't change for anyone. I know there are people who accept me for who I am. I am not fake. I'm not deceitful and I definitely am far from a coward. What I am is human. Take it or leave it. So much of this anger stems from selfish accusations towards me not being a good person. NO! I refuse… No more…

Oh Strong One

Through life one sees and wants to live "with experiences". Once we reach any one certain age, which is different for all, we live through this "life experience" I so speak of. Everyone has a story be it good or bad. Some live horror stories, yet live through them to never speak of the horror. Such stories are often spoke of as stories which, not only sets history but writes ones future. Society tells us these experiences and stories make us who we are currently and still to become. It is MY belief these experiences and stories only create forks in a road followed by choices. It is never our choice to live through horror, yet it is our choice to become someone great because we've experienced what most only hear or read about. This journey we are about to embark on contains many emotions. It holds happiness, friendship, bond, love, loss, heartache, fear, terror, emptiness, loneliness, hatred… and many more. Take my hand as we embark on this journey together. Should you let go, don't fear. My hand will always be where you left it lying; it will be your choice to grab ahold and walk with me further.