Fear

Sitting before a blank screen staring at the insertion key… blinking over and over and over. Fingers hovering ever so slightly just above the keyboard. Every once in a while a finger will twitch and lower only to be pulled back into hovering position. So many thoughts running through my head and bouncing from internal barrier to barrier screaming to break through yet rolling through my body halting at the very tip of each finger as if I’ve just been thrown into busy traffic and have nowhere to go. Every part of me is urging myself to move but am faced with three times the power keeping me from moving. Fear, the most debilitating feeling one can hold. Fear of what? It’s different for everyone. For me, I may fear loss, letting go, being accepted or loved, etc… I hold onto this fear as if letting go were like letting go of life itself. I become tired of continually be what everyone wants and expects me to be. There are a select few in my life whom know who I really am and don’t care. Most hold onto this controlling image of whom they think they know I am often creating and feeding my own self-distorted reflection.  It has become tiresome to fulfill another’s desire to be THAT person they have created. I am going to offer up a tiny cliché (as much as I dislike them) and hand you my shoes. Take a walk and tell me what you see. We all make terrible choices in life. It takes a strong soul to rise above, learn and accept that we aren’t and never will be perfect. When it comes to family, I have given everything and received nothing in return but hatred and discontent. When it comes to marriage, I received a disintegrated self-image and degraded self-worth. When it comes to tragedy… well, I’ve experienced what most only see on television. When it comes to love, I have been left alone. This past week has been the most horrifying time in my life. To lay on a table not even two years after losing a sibling to cancer and knowing your you will soon lose your dad to cancer as well, and see the confirmation with your own eyes steals the air from your lungs. To sit through these tests and appointments alone is something I wish upon nobody. Sitting and waiting to hear the news is the worst wait of your life. Not knowing what this monster is that is growing inside you is terrifying and crippling. Loved ones I have confided in tell me it’s nothing “you are going to be fine”. As much as I want to believe them and hear the words they are telling me I only worry more. To hear your doctor tell you there is a tumor inside you is deafening. You hear nothing else beyond that point. I sat by my sister’s bedside as she fought for her very last breath holding her hand. Everyone is always telling me they can’t believe how strong of a woman I am. I have been but it is strength by choice. Fear has taken over and strength is no longer a choice. To love someone with all your being and not have the ability to reach out and grab them is heart wrenching. This fuels my fear. To feel as though you are losing someone you never had is so unbearably sickening. It sucks the life from me; what life I have left. To hold fear of the unknown variable and not hold the choice or ability to bury my face in their chest and shed my pain with tears is like murder. Each day my soul disappears a little more for the fear I’ll never have what I never had. All I need is your love. All I want is your support. All I have is a fading distant memory. What I am left with is my fear…

When Self Loathing Bestows a Power One Doesn't Have a Right To...

Life can be trying. We face obstacles we often cannot overcome. We choose to sit and walk alone in a clouded thought we ARE alone. This isolation is nothing more than our self loathing, pity stricken, the world owes me narcissistic thinking, which knowingly places us here.

We are now switching to you. The world owes you nothing. You have taken everything given in life and thrown it out with complete disregard. Who gives one the ultimate authority to say who belongs to who. I am not yours to give away and throw out like Wednesday's garbage. I refuse to accept responsibility for your sadistically psychotic thought process. What I do in my life means nothing to you. What I say is just that... It is what I will say. It must be a tremendous ease to sit completely isolated from the world and pop your pills, smoke your weed, drink your liquor and cast your hateful words in an effort to place the blame for your problems on another being. It must be so easy to not have to answer to anyone and be "perfect". How easy was it for you to place your blame on her advising the world you could no longer handle her and her resentment towards you and your life. How easy was it for you to bury one sister and "give" the other away like an old used pair of jeans. Who gave you the right to giver her away? You need help.

She is now becoming I and me. Let me share a secret. I am proud of who I have become. I don't need your approval or guidance to succeed. I have a great support system who adores the person I am. They love me for me. I refuse to apologize for being me, as I will never be anyone else. Change is an amazing concept. However, I will never change who I am for anyone. If you are lacking to strength and ability to accept me for who I am, I am handing you a mirror. Take a long hard look at your reflection and ask yourself one thing. Who are you?

Stop trying so hard to be this perfect person nobody is. Who would want to be perfect. I certainly know I would never want to carry that label.

Invisible He; Indivisible We

"invisible he; indivisible we"

Invisible is defined as: "Unable to be seen; not visible to the eye."
Synonyms of invisible are: "unseen - viewless - sightless - imperceptible and infinite."

Indivisible is defined as: "Not divisible; unable to be divided or separated."

To me, words are powerful. They express, show feeling and leave lasting impressions on a being. 

When one truly believes they've met their soul mate, life is seen differently. We often are left convincing ourself we have and are currently with the one we are meant to grow and change with. This level of convincing, more often than not, is nothing more than a disillusioned fragmented ideal placed within our psyche by none other than mainstream societal beliefs. Conventional thinking and conformity. Because society, from the outside, looks within and tells us we are perfect for each other and so happy together, we succumb to others ideals often disregarding our heart and soul. We become comfortable with routine and making sure we deviate from our own self-respect, feeling of self-worth and wants or needs in an effort to make sure he or she is content with "our perfect world". Keeping this level of content in check in hopes to always make sure this person is happy. We find ourselves straying from our own happiness to keep the relationship at an even level of "perfectness" for everyone but ourselves. When did your happiness no longer become important? What will it take for you to realize your happiness does matter to someone? When... Did you start taking the life you have for granted? 

The moment we realize this person we've been pretending to go through life with isn't and never has been in your equation of "we", everything becomes clearer. We can breathe deeper. We can dream sweeter. We can smile and laugh freely. This moment becomes an epiphany of life. This is the moment we free ourselves from the death tight grip of living up to society's social norms. 

I experienced my life epiphany. I freed myself from the grip and took in a deep breath. I came to the realization my soul mate was not mine and he found me.

Invisible he; indivisible we... 

I can only hope to breath for him, smile and laugh for him and dream sweeter because of he; my missing variable in my equation of we.

Rage, acceptance and forgiveness? Changes...

I open my eyes this morning still working through these past four days and the events which transpired. I was excited to move on to the weekend or as excited as I could possibly be. I won't lie, I was content with leaving my work week behind and choosing to not look back. It seems I am "walking" through my day as though I was a zombie lacking all emotion. A friend says to me, "you seem removed". Removed… This is exactly how I feel. REMOVED from any and ALL emotion. I don't search for pity. Who wants people to feel sorry for them? I certainly don't! Quite frankly, I would much rather tell the next individual to "F" off should they ask me one more time… "how are you?" or "are you okay?". Do you REALLY want to know how I am or have we succumbed to the societal robotic cliché  questions and statements we are all "supposed" to say and ask?

How am I? I am pissed off! I am now becoming a cynic! I am soon to become void of all emotion. What do these emotions do? For me? Said emotions only venture in my path with which I stroll, or try to stroll, and trip me up making it an impossibility to maintain direction. What is life without direction? You tell me! Life needs direction.

Back to my being pissed off. I stated in an earlier post I planned to take you on a journey. I am struggling with how and where to start. Should I start where I sit today and work back? Should I start from the beginning and search for today? There are a lot of "incidents" which are sensitive and it is imperative I respect an individuals privacy. I will address this should the time come.

My rant for the day has to do with me making changes in my life so here it goes!

I am often told I have a huge heart and do so much for others. I am often told I am too hard on myself. More often than not, I am told… you need to put yourself first sometimes! This weekend opened my eyes to so many opportunities it's unreal. I love my family and friends with all of my heart. I refuse to continue to allow individuals to push me around, walk on me and use me as a dartboard for their own personal demons. We ALL have demons. If you try and tell me you don't, you are only hurting yourself. I refuse to accept any blame for her feelings. When someone casts blame on another for them reaching a point so low in their life, it becomes my responsibility to not accept that blame. I refuse to accept any blame for her feelings. Done! NO MORE! I am who I am because it's who I want to be. I won't change for anyone. I know there are people who accept me for who I am. I am not fake. I'm not deceitful and I definitely am far from a coward. What I am is human. Take it or leave it. So much of this anger stems from selfish accusations towards me not being a good person. NO! I refuse… No more…

Oh Strong One

Through life one sees and wants to live "with experiences". Once we reach any one certain age, which is different for all, we live through this "life experience" I so speak of. Everyone has a story be it good or bad. Some live horror stories, yet live through them to never speak of the horror. Such stories are often spoke of as stories which, not only sets history but writes ones future. Society tells us these experiences and stories make us who we are currently and still to become. It is MY belief these experiences and stories only create forks in a road followed by choices. It is never our choice to live through horror, yet it is our choice to become someone great because we've experienced what most only hear or read about. This journey we are about to embark on contains many emotions. It holds happiness, friendship, bond, love, loss, heartache, fear, terror, emptiness, loneliness, hatred… and many more. Take my hand as we embark on this journey together. Should you let go, don't fear. My hand will always be where you left it lying; it will be your choice to grab ahold and walk with me further.